


in the brutal rain

by sharkfish



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Asexual Character, Castiel and Jimmy Novak are Twins (Supernatural), Gray-Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Non-Binary Jimmy, Trans Character, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 19:11:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20512061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkfish/pseuds/sharkfish
Summary: Cas has always been “not quite right,” as his and Jimmy’s mother put it, so it was a shock to find out that Dean was interested in him in the first place. Jimmy’s usually the one that people like, while Cas stands off to the side, looking at flowers.Was that hesitation before inviting Cas along? Was that a grimace when Cas embarrassed them in front of their friends? Are there whispers when he leaves the room?





	in the brutal rain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anupalya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anupalya/gifts).

> this came from two prompts: 
> 
> from [anupalya](http://anupalya.tumblr.com): _one feels left out, the other two find the third crying/upset, other two shower the third in love and affection_ and then an anon requested dcj with a trans character :)
> 
> thanks to [jemariel](http://jemariel.tumblr.com) for fixing my mistakes.

As soon as Cas makes it in the door, he can hear Jimmy giggling. Cas can imagine exactly what they look like, squirming against the sheets, glowing with delight. Dean’s laugh follows, rich and deep, and Cas aches with need for the warmth and comfort of their bed. 

The laughter fades away as Cas heads down the hall, and he sees why when he passes the doorway: Dean knelt between Jimmy’s legs on the bed, sucking their cock. Jimmy’s hand is clenched in Dean’s hair, eyes closed, lips parted and panting. 

Cas aches in a different way. He takes a careful breath, then backs away. He remembers, suddenly and viscerally, a thousand times he hasn’t understood Dean’s jokes and hundreds of times he’s declined to join in on their bedroom activities. 

He goes to the back porch, opening and shutting the sliding door gently. As if there’s any way Dean or Jimmy would hear it, considering. 

Cas and Dean have spent a lot of time on their yard and garden. Cas designed it all, chose each walkway stone individually, inspected every plant, spent days covered in soil and sweat with Dean, and it comforts him to walk through. He touches the plants here and there, pauses to watch a bee circling. 

Cas has always been “not quite right,” as his and Jimmy’s mother put it, so it was a shock to find out that Dean was interested in him in the first place. Jimmy’s usually the one that people like, while Cas stands off to the side, looking at flowers. 

More moments swirl to the front of his thoughts. Was that hesitation before inviting Cas along? Was that a grimace when Cas embarrassed them in front of their friends? Are there whispers when he leaves the room? 

By the time he realizes what’s happening, it’s too late to stop the spirals. Jimmy and Dean obviously think they have some sort of obligation to him, and the thought makes Cas’s chest clench. Fear is a noose around his throat. 

He manages, even with his eyes blurring, to find a chair and sit, dropping his head into his hands, shaking with swallowed sobs. He should spare them the discomfort and just leave, but he doesn’t even remember what a lonely bed feels like. 

“Cas?” Jimmy says. Cas hadn’t even heard the door open. “You ok?” 

Cas forces a nod without taking his face out of his hands. 

“Oh, baby,” Dean says. “I’ll get you some water.” 

Cas hates himself for always being the one to ruin things. He wonders how long he’s been so oblivious. 

“We should do the finger thing,” Jimmy says. 

Cas moans. It’s not voluntary, just a surge of something dark in his mind. There’s a click as Dean sets down a glass on the table. “Yeah, the finger thing,” he agrees. “Am I ok to hug you?” 

_ Yesyesyesyes.  _ Cas shakes his head  _ no.  _ “Ok, we’re definitely doing the finger thing,” Jimmy says. 

Cas hears them and Dean breathing in tandem, intentional inhales and exhales. Without meaning to, Cas’s breath starts to align with theirs — just habit after spending so long listening to their heartbeats and breaths through long sleepless nights. 

“Switch,” Dean says. It doesn’t always take more than one hand, but there’s still a vise where Cas’s heart should be. 

At the next “switch,” Cas starts to catch his breath. His hands are shaking against his face, that dark thing trying to burn out of him.  _ Hopelesshopelesshopeless.  _

“Is this a good time for a pill?” Jimmy asks. 

Cas starts gasping again. A pill means he’ll be an idiot at work tomorrow and then he’ll get fired and they’ll all be homeless. A pill means everything woozy and weird, means a crick in his neck after falling asleep on the couch. A pill means failure. 

“Hey, hey,” Dean says. “You got this. And we’re here.” 

Cas takes a shuddering breath. He doesn’t sit up all the way, just enough to get his hands under him and start the finger thing. The motion itself — his pointer finger tracking up and down his thumb like drawing a turkey at Thanksgiving in elementary school — is soothing, and he forces the  _ inhale, exhale _ even though his body doesn’t want to. 

Things start to come back into focus. Cas’s socks, dirt- and grass-covered after his visit to the gardens, and a set of bare feet on either side of him. Jimmy’s legs are bare and smooth, too, but Dean’s in a shared pair of sweatpants. 

Cas raises his head slowly. “I’m ok,” he forces out. 

“That seemed like a rough one,” Dean says. When Cas looks over, he offers a small, crooked smile. 

“Yes,” Cas says, looking back down at his hands in his lap. “I’m sorry for interrupting.” 

“We were waiting for you,” Jimmy says. “I mean, we did get a little distracted, but still. You’re never interrupting.” 

“I burned dinner last week,” Cas says, choking on it. “The smoke alarm almost went off.” 

Without even looking, he knows the look Jimmy and Dean just gave each other. Dean says, “That’s no biggie, Cas, especially since God gave us the gift of Grubhub.” 

“You had to — you had to stop everything you were doing, to make it so I didn’t freak out about the alarm.” 

Jimmy had opened windows while Dean started the fan and waved a towel at the detector. It didn’t go off, and they laughed about how Cas and Jimmy both mean well, but Dean’s the only one who can make anything better than “mostly edible.” Cas could’ve interpreted the laughter wrong. He doesn’t know how he could lose track of Jimmy’s signals, the wall that’s usually between Cas and other people completely absent, but maybe that’s how far they’ve drifted. 

“Sweetheart, what’s going on?” Dean says, quietly. 

“Have I been oblivious? Have you not wanted me here, always in the middle?” 

Dean’s eyes widen and he says,  _ “What?”  _

Jimmy speaks at the same time with a gasped, “Cas!” 

“We fucked up somehow,” Dean says to Jimmy. 

“You’re my person,” Jimmy says. “My other half, or whatever. I’m not sure we would survive without you.” 

“That’s true, you are the best at laundry,” Dean says. “But more importantly, I’m stupid in love with you.” 

“Me too, obviously,” Jimmy says. 

Cas’s head hurts. All of his energy has left him in a whoosh, a hollow shell where the terror was just minutes ago. “Babe, you gotta tell us where we went wrong,” Dean says. “I don’t want that to even cross your mind.” 

Jimmy taps their mouth the way they do when deep in thought. “I have a theory,” they say. “Dean and me have been banging a lot lately, and you haven’t been wanting to a lot lately. Are you feeling… neglected?” 

“Don’t you wish you could have threesomes every night?” Cas says. It comes out sharper than he meant it to. 

“Would it be awesome if you were there too? Sure,” Jimmy says. “But that doesn’t mean I’m mad if you don’t want to.” 

“I think we  _ have _ neglected you recently,” Dean says. “Or at least — not showed you how much we love you.” 

Jimmy brings their fist down on the table like a gavel. “I hereby declare this a Cas Night. We’ll order in whatever you want, because someone forgot to order groceries.” 

“The  _ someone  _ being you,” Dean interrupts. 

“Ad hominem,” Jimmy says, and Cas snorts. “Anyway. Whatever you want to eat. I’ll give you a massage. Do you want to go bowling or something?” 

“You hate bowling,” Cas says. 

“Yeah, it’s terrible, but you like it.” 

“I’d rather stay in,” Cas says. “We can play Ticket to Ride.” 

Dean groans. “You only want to play that because you always win, asshole.” 

“Perhaps. And then.” Cas closes his eyes, imagines. “If you’re up to it, I want to fuck one or both of you.” 

“Hell yeah, I’m into it,” Jimmy says with a grin in their voice. 

Dean’s smiling, too. “Sign me up.” 

“I’m going to take a shower first,” Cas says. “I’d like chicken korma for dinner, please.” 

Cas stands. Dean and Jimmy both give him hopeful, nervous smiles, and he bends to kiss each in turn. “I love you both very much.” 

“Me too,” Jimmy says, and Dean makes a noise of agreement. 

“Don’t get distracted fucking each other again.” 

Jimmy’s smile turns cheeky. “No promises.” 

When Cas rejoins them with damp hair, the game is already set up on the table, along with three beers. Jimmy and Dean are talking quietly on the couch and trail off when Cas walks in. “We were just brainstorming other ways to dote on you,” Jimmy says. 

“Anything interesting?” Things seem clearer now, and come into full focus when Jimmy throws their arms around Cas’s neck and kisses him soundly. 

“Not much, we’re kind of morons,” they say. 

“Don’t talk about either of you like that,” Cas says, glaring at both of them. 

“Let’s go hiking this weekend,” Dean says. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah. That place you liked up north.” 

“We’ll get up early and go for pancakes after,” Jimmy says. 

They’re still so close, so Cas leans and kisses them. A long,  _ good  _ kiss, heating up towards the end. 

Cas looks towards the kitchen, the table lined with tiny trains. “It’s time for me to kick both your asses.” 

Cas Night is a success. 

**Author's Note:**

> [reallyelegantsharkfish](http://reallyelegantsharkfish.tumblr.com) on tumblr
> 
> i'm bad at answering comments but every single one is so precious to me and keeps me going on the rough days! <3 thank you for being here!


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